Cut the Shit

The Anatomy of a Crush

This morning I was standing in my usual spot on the subway platform when HE showed up.

For the last six months or so, there has been this guy that gets on the subway at my stop, although he tends to ride it sometime between 8:45am and 9am. I usually enter the station around 8:25am, so the chances of me seeing him are pretty slim to none. But when it happens, I have an internal freak out.

This morning, he walked by and stood about 10 feet away from me. We made eye contact, both recognizing that we’ve seen the other person there on numerous occasions. Usually I’m a very collected, non-invasive subway rider, but when he looks at me, I get all discombobulated and end up making the most cheesetastic faces (ie: I blink too much or I choke on my gum or as in the case of this morning, the latch on my watch pops and hangs limply on my wrist).

This dude is like 6”3 and very lean. I typically go for the big and buff, but ironically this guy isn’t that whatsoever. He has dark curly hair and the most perfect skin I’ve ever seen. His lips are small, but perfect as well. And his dark eyes have this way of piercing right into my soul. To top it off, I love his style (black dress pants with “French Connection” type button downs). He doesn’t wear a necklace (I wear a chain link) and he doesn’t wear a ring or a watch (I wear both). The best part…he’s got a killer ass. Like big time killer ass. And asses aren’t usually in my top five favorite physical attributes, but this one can’t be denied.

On the flip side, I look pretty great today. I’m wearing my best fitting khaki cargos with a long-sleeved white thermal and a stylish polo over that. My hair even looks half-way decent and I’ve got my favorite flip flops on. Overall, I felt pretty confident about my presentation today.

The subway came and we both got on. I tried to covertly get as close to him as I could, just so he would somehow feel my energy. Today, more than ever before, he made eye contact with me a few times (the basis of gaydar, y’all!). A seat opened up at the far end of the subway car and he took it. I continued to stand and tried to divert my attention with my Ipod. After a few stops, a seat opened up near me and I sat down as well albeit on the same side of the car as him so there was no more possible eye contact to be had.

The subway rode on to Times Square and I stared off into space. Since this is such a huge subway stop, many people got off and went about their business. But then it happened…the moment that will have me questioning this experience all day.

The dude got up out of his seat, walked over to an open seat directly across from where I was sitting and plopped down. My heart went in to my throat and my stomach started to churn. As though it was a sign or something, the advertising above his head was from LAVA LIFE and it said “Find your soul mate” and there were butterflies coming out of the woman’s stomach as she looked at a guy on the street. ODD? Or meant to be?

I, against my will, started fumbling in my seat and tried to keep my shit together . When I looked into his eyes he was looking back into mine, but we both quickly looked into another direction. As the subway rode on, I eventually got myself as relaxed as possible (although I thought I was going to throw up) and made an effort to make my most attractive, serious faces – you know what I mean…we all do this in order to showcase what we perceive our best “looks” to be.

A number of times along the ride our eyes connected and repeatedly looked away. At one point I swear I noticed him slightly smile and that caused me to slightly smile as well. When he wasn’t fully paying attention, I was trying to memorize every detail about him, from his feet ALL the way up to the farthest reaching hair on his head.

Since we’ve taken the subway together before, I know that he gets off at my stop at 96th Street. While I transfer to the local train, he exits up the stairs and I’m left to catch my breath. As the train neared our stop, most people got up and waited by the door. He and I sat in our seats until the very last second, made one more eye connection and then we both exited the train, me following behind him.

“Please let him talk to me…PLEASE let him talk to me…”, my mind was screaming. But he didn’t. He walked up the stairs and left without looking back. Thankfully my train pulled up right away and I left.

I don’t know what it is about this guy that gets me so worked up. I see lots of attractive men in the city every day and I never get so bent out of shape. When this feeling has happened to me in the past, it has usually (almost always) turned out that there was a mutual attraction. But how do you strike up a conversation on the subway without risking the fact that he is most probably straight and going to punch you in the face?

As you know, I met a guy on the subway earlier this year, but it was he who came up to me and started a conversation. I’ve always considered myself to be “the approached”, not “the approacher”. This current situation is no different. But maybe I need to get the balls out of my purse and just say “hi” at some point. God, I wish I could do that, but I know I never would.

As I said, this is a “crush” and nothing more. But are crushes supposed to ache and hurt this deeply? It’s been a very long time since I’ve had my last “crush”, so I feel a little out of practice. Plus, I don’t know anything about him: age, career, background, the fact that his purpose in life is to hunt down adorable gay men and slice their heads off…

I had to come to work and immediately write all of this down. If I didn’t get it out of my brain immediately, I know it would consume me for the rest of the day.

How do I let this guy know that I’m interested without letting this guy know that I’m interested?